Hey everyone, it’s been a minute. I keep meaning to sit down and write something but honestly I haven’t been very interested in writing lately. Instead I’ve been doing ceramics, letting myself get caked in mud and disconnecting from the world for hours at a time. And I’m also back in school, taking seven classes this semester in the pursuit of a new career… but more on that later.
But today feels like a day worth writing about. However you voted yesterday, here we are. I don’t feel the same devastation as in 2016; this time I saw it coming. But if you’re looking for any astute political insights, look elsewhere. I’m no political analyst. I’m just another hapless worm wriggling around in the dirt like you. So instead I’ll talk about how this past year has been for me.
Some of you know I lost my job back in January. Just one of those major tech company layoffs, almost routine at this point: 25% of the company got laid off. I guess it was to appease shareholders but I have a hunch that didn’t work. Anyway, I got pretty good severance. I was very lucky in that way.
I spent most of spring straight up floundering. I tried looking for other work in tech but anyone trying to do that now can tell you: this job market sucks. I’d apply to jobs I was over-qualified for and never hear back. I started to think that maybe nothing would pan out… and then what? This was the only career I’d ever had. But then one major company that pays obscenely well reached out to me, and even though the job sounded tedious at best, that kind of money is hard to say no to. I figured even if I hated it, I could at least provide Frankie a good life, and that would make it worth it. So I talked to the recruiter and gave her some dates when I’d be free to talk to the hiring manager. Then I went backpacking in Yosemite for a few nights with two friends.
We were completely off the grid; my cellphone battery lasted all three nights because I had absolutely no reason to use it. We’d hike for miles at high elevation, wade through ice cold rivers, read in silence, play a round of cards, and go to sleep around 8PM. I had a staring contest with a squirrel, and won. It was summertime in the mountains which meant mosquitoes during the day and below freezing temperatures at night. Our cooking fuel ran out halfway through and we had to eat truly the worst “oatmeal” anyone has ever eaten in the history of Avena sativa. I was deliriously happy.
I also realized I really did not want that job. In fact I almost prayed the recruiter would ghost me. People told me this happened all the time now, because we no longer live in a society. I didn’t want to let Frankie down but I just couldn’t work in tech anymore, especially now when everything’s nihilistically pivoting to AI. Do you know how much water is wasted every time you use ChatGPT? Do you know that AI alone is responsible for reversing our progress on climate goals? Can you live with yourself if you in any way contribute to that?
That weighed especially heavy on my mind as we were leaving Yosemite and we smelled the smoke from a distant wildfire. After living in New York for a few years I’d almost forgotten what that smelled like, and how strange the sky looked. The sickening haze. It was a deeply depressing note to end the trip on.
But there was one silver lining: when I got back into cell service, I checked my email and there was nothing from that company. Weeks later, still nothing. They had ghosted me after all, yayyy! Best of all, when I talked to Frankie about it, she reassured me she’d never need me to work a job I hated just for her sake, and I should find something that made me happy instead. My whole life I had done what was prudent and responsible, financially at least, and now, unemployed with no real job prospects, I finally had the chance to ask myself what exactly would make me happy.
Which is how I ended up in community college, enrolled full-time in a conservation and natural history program, studying local birds and the evolutionary history of plants, going on field trips to parks, looking closely at rocks, immersing myself more in nature and less in technology. I volunteer with various environmental organizations, monitoring wildlife cameras and restoring habitats, which is a nice way of saying I’m doing a lot of manual labor for free. And like in Yosemite, I’m deliriously happy. I feel useful.
Studying conservation is also, of course, depressing. I’m learning so much about the many, many, many ways we are failing this planet and all the life in it. Animals going extinct, waterways getting polluted, food systems collapsing. Ecologist Aldo Leopold once wrote that to learn about ecology is to “live alone in a world of wounds”. I thought about this when I saw the picture of Mt. Fuji with no snow on it. I think about this when I’m planting trees that may not be able to survive in ten, twenty years.
But all of this environmental collapse was already happening even before I knew about it. The difference is, now I do know, and I can do something about it. Maybe none of it will matter; it’s hard to remain optimistic. But I definitely wasn’t helping the planet or anyone on it when I was filing Jira tickets and moving rectangles around in Figma. That’s meaningless work. Sorry if you like doing it but it’s meaningless. Probably even harmful. I’m saying this without judgment by the way. I did it for over ten years!
Maybe this is why I can meet today as calmly as I am. There was always work to do, and there still is. Even if Harris had won, there would be work to do; Democrats aren’t as good on climate change as we need them to be either. But I have a clarity of purpose, and I’ve oriented my entire life towards that purpose: I want life to continue to thrive on this planet, instead of death. Not just human life, but all of it: the plants, the birds, the bugs, the critters, the bacteria, everything. In 2016 I wanted that too but I felt stuck, like all I could do was to keep going through the motions and just watch horrors unfold on a screen from a distance. I’m tired of doing that. I don’t just have to watch helplessly, and you don’t either. Every living thing needs help right now. A friend needs a ride to the abortion clinic, a tree needs to get planted, a bird needs a tree to build a nest, a community needs clean drinking water, a stranger needs help covering medical bills, a child in Gaza needs food and a future. I need a future. You need a future.
I appreciate the beauty of Leopold’s quote, but I think he was wrong. We aren’t alone in this world of wounds. We have each other. And we have so much to get done. So let’s get to work.